Sometimes, you just gotta close your eyes, drop in and hope for the best. Tess Wood composition/photo.
Now I’m sure you saw this headline and assumed I was going to bring this whole piece down into the gutter and really get into the finer points of manscaping or something. Which, if you’ve been following these posts is not a stretch. However, this here is a practical piece actually discussing ski area grooming!
Types of snow?
Ok, fine, grooming habits of ski bums.
One cannot confidently judge a book by its cover. Book jackets can lie, and so will ski jackets my friends. Who knows what you’re going to get under that helmet. He could have a Mohawk! Or wear pomade! Or be a REDHEAD!
And if you’re lucky (or smart) enough to have had a gander first at his face, you still don’t know what he’s going to look like under that performance outerlayer. Lord knows what could be lurking under shells, micro-puffs, and the ever-deceitful down jacket. If you’ve dodged a bullet and he turns out to be decently in shape/proportional there’s room still for disaster. You don’t know what his hygiene routine is like! What’s been washed when is a delicate ledge to be perched upon.
Like a ski resort fraught with inversion, the upper mountain has the potential to be wildly different than what’s going on at the base. Going out of bounds? Yeah, it’s “Moderate” up high but no one wants to deal with “Considerable” down low.
What might look like some epic peaks up top might not have the same exciting terrain the whole way down.
And a pretty face could be just that: nothing special, you actually like a little bit more of a challenge, but the alpenglow was hitting it juuuust right so you went for it anyways.
I’m not accusing all ski bums of being so superficial as to base love lives around such trivial things as looks. But the success and prevalence of Tinder goes to show that there exist some people shallower than the Colorado snowpack. All I’m saying is that the inherent layering, bundling and literal face-masking that goes along with skiing sets us up for some surprises. Sometimes it’s nice to know what you’re getting.
But then again, there are few things quite so titillating as a little bit of mystery.
Short of taking your target to hot yoga, you’re never going to know exactly what’s going on until you’re getting it on. Taking a deep breath, bucking up and going out for a rip despite heavy cloud cover has rarely steered a ski bum wrong. Honestly, more often than not it ends up being some of the best turns of the year.
So take a chance, but still hope for the best. And if it’s just crusty chunder, at least you’re getting out there, right?
From The Column: From One Bum to Another
In Defense of the Solo Shred
What to Love (and Hate) About Life in a Ski Town
5 Creative Ways to Bargain in a Ski Town
A Ski Bum’s Guide to a Productive Offseason
A Ski Bum’s Helpful Guide to Navigating that Weird…
__video_thumb.jpeg)
The Grooming Report: Don’t Judge a Potential Ski…
Housing is Hard: Adopt a Ski Bum Today
What Your Favorite On-Mountain Bathroom Says About…
About The Author
stash member Tess Wood
Tess got herself stuck in Jackson seven years ago, and can usually be found skiing (alone, or with a gang of small children), eating snacks, or hustling her doughnuts on the black market. She is very good at pulling off granny panties, mumus and pantsuits with shoulder pads. She is not good at sharing.